You want me to sign WHAT? This isn’t fair!
Why are you planning our divorce before we’re even married?
You’re obviously not in this for the long haul!
Why do you want to keep things from me? Don’t you want to build a future together?
These are all common questions and mistaken beliefs that arise when someone springs the “I need you to sign a prenup!” conversation. Often, this topic is coercive and gets dropped like a bomb! “Surprise honey, I know you’re busy planning our wedding, but you also need to sign a prenup!”
Here are some tips for working through this difficult conversation with your soon-to-be spouse.
1. Understand What A Prenup Really Means
Your partner has surprised you, and you’re feeling confused, hurt and overwhelmed. I know how scary that can be, and it often feels like you no longer know the person standing in front of you. Before you decide to call off the wedding because you think he/she doesn’t love you, take some time to calm down and get informed.
Now is not the time to just go with the flow. It’s important to invest in your own lawyer to get a better understanding of what a prenup really means, and how it will impact you in the long run. Get yourself very comfortable with the legal end of things, so you can feel confident in negotiations and discussions with your partner.
2. Ask Your Partner To Explain Why This Is Happening
Having your partner ask (or require) you to sign a prenup, can feel like an emotional volcano has erupted in your relationship. After you’ve had time to process this new information, take a step back and try to better understand why your partner wants a prenup in the first place.
Is it required by their family due to a future inheritance?
Have they been divorced in the past?
Do they own businesses that would be impacted if you were to divorce down the road?
All of these reasons are valid, and very common amongst today’s couples. While it can feel like your partner is saying “I’m planning our divorce before we even get married”, that isn’t typically the case. Have your partner explain why this is required, and who’s requiring it. Ask them to share their own feelings on the matter, with the goal of truly understanding their viewpoint.
3. Evaluate Your Emotional Response And Preconceived Beliefs
Any time a couple discusses money, emotions are involved, and it can easily become a breeding ground for conflict. Think about your own emotional response to the idea of a prenuptial agreement, and try to process your feelings in a productive way. Here are some questions to ask yourself, to get a better understanding of your preconceived beliefs and the meaning you attach to them. Write your answers in a journal to help sort them out, and keep them from getting overwhelming in your head.
What feelings are you experiencing about your fiancé, yourself, the prenup, the wedding, etc?
What does a prenuptial agreement mean to you?
How do you see it impacting your relationship?
What preconceived or mistaken beliefs do you have about prenups and do they fit with the reality of your own situation?
How does your family handle money vs. how your partner’s family handles money?
Listen To Understand, Not To Agree
The truth is, you may never agree with your future spouse on this issue. But, the reality is, if you want to marry him/her, you’ll need to sign the prenup. My best advice is to communicate regularly about this issue, and be willing to discuss your feelings and concerns openly. It will likely take some time for your relationship to heal, and the only way to do that is to communicate with empathy and understanding, and leave your judgements out of it.
One of the hardest lessons for any couple to learn is. . . “I can understand you, even if I don’t agree with you.”